HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE IN THE NAVY
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it
for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your
house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into
your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck
gray."
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best
clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar
you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing
cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection
of your lawn mower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn
your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it
down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that
they used too much water during the week so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the
ceiling.
8. Have your next-door neighbor come over each
day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and
shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down
everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in
the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can
find for three days straight then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12
hours and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured - contact OA
division at X-3053."
11. Submit a request form to your
father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends
to come over, and then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6
months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends
and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the
next day. You have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the
appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking
the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours
before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted
off."
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house,
and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now
sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans
over the fantail.)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping
for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds
per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail
for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for
your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of
movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on
which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a
haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your
pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at
McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are
from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your
house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into
their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home
is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General
quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time
and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door
informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait
in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them
that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily
until they don't pay
attention to the menu any more so they just ask
for hot dogs.
33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the
pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at
the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating
at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house
for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to
take them to
ready for Engineering-certification, and that
it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1),
with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender,
suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace
the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3
hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes
and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across
the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area,
find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become
nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it
on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn
mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your
chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors' house.
Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine
primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto
your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once
a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random
during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you
button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run
out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance
apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee
table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top
sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head
every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool
and shout, "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house
and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids
for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set,
but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand
in front of your stove. Say, to no one in particular, "Stove manned and
ready!" Stand there for three or four hours. Then say, again to no one in
particular, "Stove
secured!" Roll up your headphones and
paper cup and place them in a box.